Thursday, December 19th, 2002
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10:21 pm - The Acceptance Letter I Have Been Waiting For....
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what a perfect thing to recieve right before the holidays. Not to mention the scholarship they offered too. My rents were excited when they saw the envelope with the return address of Merrimack College, Admissions Office. I got home and they attacked me, telling me to open it right away. They are so cute. What a good ending to such a shitty ass day with all the damn tests i had (and from what i hear, i wasn't the only one).
Cort came home today! He is so cute, he was waiting in the parking lot for me to get back from running errands. I missed that boy so much. I can't wait to just do nothing with him... for it is what we do best!
But before i get ready to do nothing, i gatta deal with tomorrow and all the other tests and oh yea a presentation that i have to do. FUN! I'm looking forward to it.. really..
So with that, i'm out to get some much needed sleeeeeeeeeeep!
Oh yea, my sis is so incredibly cute.. she can't wait to do anything.. i already got my first christmas gift! I can't wait to give her the DZ Ghetto Girl Turtle.. haha- she's gunna love it..
ok- loves everyone! : Þ
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Sunday, December 15th, 2002
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11:29 pm - fucking school
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Things have been real shitty lately and i really hate it. I thought after doing term paper and apps (not to mention hearing from 2 school already)... things would be lighter.. weight lifted off my shoulders and the feeling of relief- i would be able to start enjoying senior year a lil-but no- it hasn't changed at all. It's times like these when i feel so uncontent with my life.. it seems not too long ago that i didn't have a care in the world.. i was living life so happily- things i did were different and exciting.. now when i can really explore and do the things i want.. i can't. What is up with that? I don't understand. I don't know how i got into being so busy... it's always one thing after another.. and i try to make time for things i want to do- but it ends up cutting everything else short. It's like have fun for a little but and then stress for 3 hours about school and the amount of damn work they give us. I knew senior year wasn't going to be all of a breeze- but to tell the truth.. this is my hardest year yet.
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Friday, November 29th, 2002
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10:22 pm - Second Acceptance Letter
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...another came in the mail today! It was from Siena. Getting this one made me even more relieved.. knowing that i can get out of this state. If I had a choice between UHA and Siena it would obviousy be Siena.. but whenever i think of Siena- i think of how close i will be to Cort- and i want that so badly, but at the same time i don't. I can't base where he is to where i go to college. He would hate it if i did that. I need go and visit again, i mean really visit this time, last time it was just a drive thru. If I get accepted to Merrimack though, i will be so far away and that is always in the back of my head when i think of going there. AHHhh i dunno. I can deal with that later.
DAMN this term paper- that's all i have to say... i'm supposed to be working on it.. but it's just not happening. I'm talking to my favorite boy friend (two words not one) in the world instead.. YEM aka Todd! He's the best- he's seriously one of my bestest boy friends i have ever had.
The whole situation with Cort is over.. all i gatta say is that it was real dumb- so unnecessary.. but this let me play with his mind a lil... he thought i wanted to break up with him.. and that is the last thing i would wanna do- b.c i love him to death- i just wouldn't do it. But the last couple days went well, and i got to see how much i really mean to him- it was nice. I love holding him in my arms- it's nice to know that for a big guy like him.. a little me can comfort him and make him happy :) But the most sucky part is saying goodbye.. i think marlo can feel me on this one. Saying goodbye again has got to be the worst thing. I got so close to him for those 2 days and I just didn't wanna let go.. it's so hard! But after all of this.. we have gotten so much closer and that's a plus.
Not looking forward to tomorrow and work... but what i am looking foward to is tomorrow nite- plannin on chillin with Todd and the boyz- oh i love 'em so- i'll have to call in my orders- lol.. (Lynn imma get yours!- i have no problem spotting you- but tell me whatelse)
Ok- well good nite all! loves
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Saturday, November 23rd, 2002
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11:21 pm
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I got accepted to University Of Hartford and i'm happy. I'm so relieved now.. just to know that MCC doesn't have to be an option and I can go to college. It's only UHA, i really want Merrimack.. and getting out of this state is my goal.. and i can honestly say- i have put in a good effort of trying.. so i hope it pays off.
But... YAY UHA- i guess... haha
With that, i'm off. I'm a little hungry.
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2:37 pm
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HAHA! I totally forgot that i got a tattoo last nite.. julianne gave it to me- it represents Todd.. it's an image of a Coke bottle and a bag of Smartfood. HAHA
OUCH! my sister just bit me! and my mom is yelling at me.. what a day!
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11:52 am - It has been a while
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since i last updated. I just can't find the time to sit down and type out my thoughts. College apps are DONE and sent! Term paper..not started. Not looking foward to the Essay Test, or U.S News. Other classes have been a pain also, nothing is easy at the moment. Frienships- best as can be...the only thing keeping me sane. Relationship- confusing as hell. The word "break" has so many meanings and may include things you might not consider including.. if that makes any sense.
Last night was definitely needed. After Todd's, came home and just sat in my bed.. thinking about life.. and everything that is going on. I wrote down whatever popped in my mind, my feelings towards things and it let me understand some thing a little bit better. Finally fell asleep and my phone starts ringing at 2 in the morning. "Hello"..."Molly?"(i hear the voice on the other side and it's cort)..."no".."who is this?"..."maria"..."who?"..."ri"...
"who?...oh ri...what's up?"(can you believe he called me not knowing- trying to call Molly?...?) ..."bed"..."oh i'm sorry, i didn't mean to wake you".... the whole time we were talking.. i was thinking- i can't talk to him... i would think that defeats the purpose of "break" but then again.. there are so many meanings. I was so not myself... stoned as can be.. i didn't know what i was saying. I was trying to tell him that i was in another world.. but he didn't understand. I asked him how his first game was.. he said they won-they killed them, beat them by like 60 points (now that i type that, it sounds like a lot, but that's what he said)
I'm starting to like the break.. and that scares me.. b.c a part of me doesn't want to. It has been so long- us together- that things are almost becoming a routine. And that sucks. But how long do breaks last? Do they bring you closer together in the end.. or further apart? I used to think break was post break up/end of relationship news, but with Cort it is different. So different, that we both don't know what it consists of, we just kinda go with the flow and see where it brings us.
I'm so confused.. first he didn't know what he wanted.. telling me that i'm too niice, that i should be a bitch sometimes- he's not used to getting the good treatment all the time. And i just don't see how being niice is bad. Now that i'm thinking of it more and more, i don't know what i want. I'm so confused.
I'm at work right now and what went down last nite is still kickin strong- can you believe that?
"Even though i'm not a balla- i'm still looking foward for the season to start, takes me away from where i am now, Work!"
The sun is out! I love you sun.. it has been too long since you shined in my life.
current mood: so may mixed emotions
current music: 8 Mile Soundtrack
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Friday, November 8th, 2002
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10:40 am - This weekend
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should be fun... but we'll see. Going up to Skid- woohoo. But it seems like Cort's not even excited and that makes me not wanna go anymore- but i'm sure when i get there things should be fine. Tonite there is a concert- Soul Live i believe is playing at his school- so that should be fun. Then on Saturday he has a scrimmage- so i get to see him ball. Sunday- nothing until his dad picks us up.
FINALLY OVER THE BUMP IN THE DAMN ROAD! (right binnar?!?!)
Have a good weekend everyone- and don't forget to SMILE :)
LOVE YOU GIRLS- COOL BEANS!
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Friday, November 1st, 2002
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3:33 pm
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I dunno what's up- but lately i've been really annoyed with people. It's like- everything i seem to do pisses people off. And I'm sick of it.. I can honestly say i'm not a selfish person.. I always put people before myself... If anyone knows me at all- they know this.
Yea shyt went down between us.. but we have both moved on- and now we are good friends. I'm sorry if he called me asking for advice-i'm sorry he needed someone to talk to. I'm sorry i'm friends with him. I wish i wasn't if i knew it was going to cause this problem. But if you have one.. tell it to my face.. don't just ignore me. How does that ever solve anything?
Is it wrong of me to have a good time? Is it wrong of me for once to live life the way i want to? Is it wrong of me to spend time with a friend?
Tell me how i'm being a bad friend- please just tell me... and i'll work on it.
current mood: Fuckin pissed as hell
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Tuesday, October 22nd, 2002
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3:33 pm
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It's been a long time since i've written.. i just haven't had time for anything. Lately times have been equally good and bad... which sux. I think anyone would rather have more good times than bad... and that's all i remember- the bad.
Right now i feel so uncomfortable.. not myself.. i'm falling apart. I don't feel good about myself anymore... no self confidence. I lost half my nail on my middle finger.. can't bend or straighten it.. kills like a bitch and i can't do anything like wash my hair. I have to go to the doctor and get some stuff checked out b.c something is really wrong with me. School, college- major stress balls. My rents- enough said.
Hopefully things will get better soon.. i am going thru so much at the moment and i have doubts that i can handle it all. I thought i was strong but now i just feel weak.
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Monday, October 14th, 2002
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4:53 pm - Sun is what i like..
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waking up today was the best.. with the sun in my face.. better than the shitty rain!
Had peeps ova last nite for the first time eva! haha- good things come with my dad gone. it was great- and my ma loved it.. she had all this stuff prepared for the guests.. haha- she's a goof.
Went to Lynnie's game today- YAY BINNAR! Then to Shady.. it was delish! Good time wit da girls.. anytime spent with you guys is the best!
Dad comes back today- blah!
But my term paper outline needs to get done now.. so i'm off.. but b4 i bounce.. some quick shouts:
Mar- hope you had a good time in Boston... and a good time tonite at the concert
Ky- have fun at the dashboard concert!
Binnar- hope u had fun last nite.. great game today!
Minks- hope u had a good weekend.
Loves to everyone!
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Friday, October 11th, 2002
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8:47 pm - I Appreciate
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the fact that I have such a caring and loving friend like Lynnie. Bud- you are one of a kind and I'm so glad that you are my friend.. I can't say that enough. Lynnie IMed me the other day just saying "Hey ri... how are you?...you haven't been yourself lately.. if there is anything i can do just let me know... love you darling.." And i didn't respond... but it touched my heart a lot believe it or not.. just knowing that someone knows me so well, when I'm not myself... it doesn't go unnoticed. And the truth is- i haven't been my real self lately and the main reason why i didn't really want to say anything is b.c i didn't want anyone to feel bad for me.. to treat me differently b.c of the situation that i'm in. But it is reality and i have to deal with it.
Basic to sum things up.. all i can say is that i'm now used to my dad being in and out of the house.. he is gone again this weekend to New York with my crazy grandma till monday... I don't seem him enough as it is.. and he leaves like this.. it just bothers me that he's not around anymore.. and i don't really know how to respond to it.. and it reflects on how i've been acting lately.. not myself basically. I've tried to hide it and tried to act like i usually do- but like i said.. i can't hide much from my good friends like Lynnie. I thank you for your concideration and your offer to help me, it hasn't gone unnoticed eitha- it's just nothing can be done at this point.. but you just being here for me has helped me greatly already.. so thank you and i love you hunny.
After work today, i went out to dinner with my MA at ShoGun.. and all i can say is MMMmmmmmm! It was really niice to just spend time with her and talk to her basically about everything. Good quality bonding time at the roughest times are the best.
So that's basically it.. SAT's tomorrow.. then work.. then working on the Apps... this weekend it strictly ALL work and no play. But after this weekend.. i'm going to be done... and i'll have the best 2 weekends after this one... so it's all worth it..
Good luck to all who are taking SAT's tomorrow. Loves to everyone.
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Monday, October 7th, 2002
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2:52 pm
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Sunday, October 6th, 2002
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7:31 pm - A Weekend from Heaven...
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It all started out on Friday... depressed as hell.. couldn't get my BabyCakes from Skid.. rainy and shitty. I don't know how I ever made it through the day. After school- called Cort to see what was up and he told me that he was trying to catch a bus home...i got so excited that I started crying <-- i'm such an emotional girl. He said he would be home around 6:30.
5:30....6:30.....7:30....8:30.... NO call from Cort to say "I'm here.. come pick me up." The house phone kept ringing.. and my ma was all over answering them.. she kept telling me it was my sis and that she was coming home (sneaky lil bastards)... i started watching "the Best of Friends" video b.c i couldn't deal with waiting anymore.. i didn't know if he was aiite or not.. if he was stranded somewhere.. or if he just didn't come at all... waiting sux! I kinda knew something was up.. but with my imagination.. i thought it couldn't be true.
To make this short.. my sis finally got home with her boyfriend. She walked into the kitchen.. then her boyfriend followed.. i was hoping it was Cort and i thought it was b.c i was sitting down and he seemed pretty tall.. but when i looked over- it wasn't him. I got sad all over again.. i turned back to the TV and mumble.. "Where is Cort.. i'm trying to watch Friends.. but it's not helping." Then CORT comes into the kitchen from the other side.. the side where i'm watching TV. I couldn't believe it- i started crying! I gave him a hug and didn't want to let go..
"I'll always come home for you baby."
So that was the highlight of Friday... Saturday: NO WORK and all CORT! (wished we could have cheeled girls! next time) Today: early church, woke up Cort with a kiss, breakfast, naptime with my baby, then it was time to say goodbye :( it wasn't as bad as i thought.. i'm going to see him soon enough. The hardest part though was when he watched me pull out and drive away. Just looking in my rearview mirror and seeing him standing there.. watching me leave. He stood in his driveway watching till I turned at the light. "Lata Babe"
So that was this weekend.. my weekend from Heaven.
To my girls: THANK YOU SO MUCH for your support and love during my hard times.. i don't know what i'd do without you. Hope you had a great weekend! Love You- MUAH
Now it's time to do endless amounts of work.. woo-hoo
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Friday, October 4th, 2002
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9:22 am - Suicide
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Ever thought about? Ever think about why you are on this earth? What change you will bring? If life is supposed to be full of happiness.. why don't i feel it? What is the purpose of life? What is the point?
I have had the worse times of my life so far in the past month and i'm sick of it. All i do is think of all the issues i have and no matter how hard i try to fix it- i can't.... how unhappy i am.... how my heart is empty and my mind is emotionally exhausted in dealing with everything.
What did i do to deserve to be in a fucked up family? What did i do to deserve what i am feeling right now? What did i do to deserve life? WHY DOES LIFE TOTALLY SUCK AT THE MOMENT?
I cried myself to sleep last nite thinking of all of this.. thinking if i can't do what i want to do- things that are important to me- than why am i here. I can't make the differences i want to make.. it's like- i'm here on this earth but can't do anything. Why should i live in a life when i am restricted?
Suicide- sadly i have thought about it too many times. Even though i think about it, i know i never will go through with it. It is much harder to actually act upon it than to just think of the idea.. b.c i know life is precious. But at the same time.. i feel nothing- all i feel is pain and suffering... no love...
Last nite- lying in my bed... thinking of just throwing myself in front of a car... the pain will only last a second.. but then i'll be gone and i won't feel what i am feeling right now.
But then i think of my friends.. and how lucky i am to have them. They are the only ones that i feel i need to live for... i love them so much. If i was to throw my life away.. i would be taking advantage of the awesome friendships i have and the last thing i want to add to what i feel is selfishness. The only reason why i know i can go thru another day is knowing that my friends will be there for me whenever i need them.. and they have been.
with that i think i'm going to end this... b.c i'm in CBT right now- and i'm crying in front of the computer screen.
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Saturday, September 28th, 2002
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6:15 pm - I LOVE
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MERRIMACK! I wanna go there so bad- i just got home and i can't stop thinking about it- ahhh- my search is ova- i know where i wanna go! now i just have to work on getting there... just a lil more work and it'll be set.
ok- i dunno whatelse.. Cort is such a buttmunch- but i love the kid to death- what the heck- why can't just stay mad at him when i have a good reason to.. we were talking and i just couldn't stay mad at him... ahh- he's got me damnit! lol- he's got it so damn easy (all boys do- right minks?!)
Well i think i'm going to go clean my room now- and then go clean the civ.. much luv to everyone! MUAH!
current mood: happy
current music: Jimmy Fallon- IDIOT BOYFRIEND!
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9:10 am - It one thing
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to know you that you're loved and it's another to feel that you're loved.... and right now- i don't feel it- not one bit- i just know it.. and that's sad. To be so far away from him- feeling his love is important to me.
Thats how i feel.
Off to Merrimack- LOVE YOU GIRLS! ::MUAH::
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Monday, September 23rd, 2002
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4:38 pm - too much isn't enough..
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mar used to always say that- and now i know exactly how it feels. This weekend was a blast- seeing my baby was incredible. i couldn't believe i was actually at skid with him. what were my rents thinking... now i know why my sis is pissed at me.. i have it so much better than her- haha- but i ain't complaining!
So i got there on Fri and I got to meet his friends- they are all really nice.. i was nervous about meeting them at first cause i'm real shy- but things turned out well. Then on Saturday we went to Boton for the day.. it was fun- learned about fish and sharks and penquins, saw a big ass turtle and glowing fish- that was phat- then went to the IMax theater. That nite was hurt- so many heads in his room- it was his friends b-day so we partied all nite. Then Sunday- we overslept and missed the open house at Siena- but went neways to get an app. and stuff to show my rents. Got home Sunday evening and i was beat.
Today was just a pain.. i had all this stuff planned for this morning- to get breakfast- spent some good time with cort b4 he leaves and i go to school. But no- i wake up late.. only have time to say goodbye and i was off to fun school.
Saying goodbye wasn't as easy as i thought it would be.. it was like putting salt on a wound. Saying bye all over again. It sucked.. but i'm good now i guess... now i have to concentrate on college shyt and work for school. And look foward to the next time i get to see him.. next month. I made it through one already- so i think it's do-able.
Well HW calls so i'm out- loves everyone.
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Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
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10:30 pm - another stressful day has passed....
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and it feels so much better now. my work that i thought i'd never finish is now done and i'm just reviewing for CI now. it's not going to be that bad at all- now that i know what's going to be on it. thank god for the source.
ONE MORE DAY! i can't believe it- so close- in spirit i am already there.. i can't wait- it's going to be so much fun. AHHHHHHH! THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!!!!!!!
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11:21 am - What is wrong with me...
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i'm so freakin stressed out about this whole SAT and ACT shyt- and colleges that i won't be able to get into- i don't understand why i can't do well on these tests.. i have a good GPA and rank is 114- why the fuck can't i get a good SAT score?!?!?!?!
I just don't wanna deal with it. It makes me feel dumb.
But i'm madd excited about FRIDAY! i get to finally see my BabyCakes after a month. I don't even know what to do myself. All i keep thinking about is the moment i set my eyes on him.. what will i feel? I can't wait to just be held in his arms again... and sleep. My naps are always best when he's with me. I wonder what we are going to be doing all nite.. i kinda don't wanna be around people- just wanna spend time with him- i'm selfish- i know but i'm allowed to be. But at the same time- i wanna be able to meet his friends.. see what girls he's friends wit.. (just to make sure- but i know i have nothing to worry about) and be able to party and whatnot. We'll see i guess. AHHHHHHHH i just wanna go on Friday- not come to school- and make it a 3 day weekend.. how sweet would that be?!
But off to get some food b.c i'm madd hungry. LUV YOU!
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Saturday, September 14th, 2002
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4:49 pm
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I really don't want to leave my mom.
My Dad is an asshole and a half.
I'm crying right now b.c i don't want to go with him.
I can't hold in all this shyt i'm going thru inside anymore.
All i can do is cry and that's not making anything any better.
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